Today I looked in my body mirror in my bathroom, and I must have been standing there for 10 minutes before I realized….
In my head I had been tearing myself apart. I had been mentally body shaming myself without even realizing it.
Now I can sit here and blame society for my problems. Which don’t get me wrong, I feel that the general public, lack of good parenting, Tv, internet, porn, barbies, bad ex boyfriend/girlfriends, yada yada yada. They all add to the issue of what a woman feels she should look like.
But I’m going to do what I believe is right here…..
I’m going to start with myself.
Please believe I have had my fair share of garbage about how I look, thrown at me. I have had people tell me my face is flat, that I’m a Asian- but in a much more racist context, (even though my heritage is Native American) I have had an ex-boyfriend beat the living snot out of my daily all the while telling me that no one else would ever want me and that I could never do better than him, I’ve been told by many “mean girls” throughout my life that I am fat and ugly, I’ve had people comment on my clothing and how I suck at putting makeup on. I have been told that Ill always be unwanted and I’ve had family members constantly berate me because of my weight. I’ve heard people talk about me and say I’m weird because I’m adopted.
So believe me when I say that I am not preaching without experience.
No matter what anyone has ever said to me, pointed out about my body or my personality or what I was wearing or what I did or did not have…
I can think about all these instances right now and one thing those people never said to me….
THAT MY HEART WAS UGLY, or I was unkind, or that I didn’t care enough, or I was bad at helping homeless people, that I was stupid every time I cried because I couldn’t help every stray animal, or how awful of a person I was because I would and have given others the shirt off my back. That I’m a horrible person because I don’t lie or steal things that don’t belong to me, that I’m an idiot because I’ve sat with strangers and talked for hours when they seemed in desperate need or how much of a loser I am because I’ve had my husband pull the car over to help an elderly person cross the street or to shoo away and animal dangerously close to getting hit.
None of these people have booed me for being an organ donor if my life were to end, or how about loving two beautiful little boys with autism, learning how to put them first in all things. I’ve never heard these people curse me out for loving a man that had his own child and learning how to love him as my own. I have never heard anyone say that me loving another human being more than I could ever love myself, and trying everyday to be a better wife however I can…I have never heard anyone say that this makes me worthless.
I have never left my kids in the car alone, I have never chose drugs over anyone in my life. I have never killed anyone or abused an animal. I have never cleared out someones bank account or used them for money. I have never stolen a car, not even someones wallet.
I have never heard anyone tell me that the art I spend hours creating to express everything that is going on inside of me..so much that words are not enough..no one has ever dumped on that when it has brought some of them to tears. Not one has turned a blind eye to the stories I create with my hands. I have never been told I’m stupid for going back to college and getting my PCA/HHA, CNA, Medical Assisting Certificate. Or that my dream of becoming a Scientific Geneticist is ridiculous.
No one has ever scoffed at me for being selfless and going to work everyday to save peoples lives and help them be healthy. Not one person that I gave CPR has ever told me to kill myself or that I’m not good at my job.
I have never had anyone shoot down my dream of owning my own art gallery and using some of the profits to travel to places where they need help and actually helping them build houses, giving them medical attention and food. Sitting with them and really connecting with the way they live life.
I have sat and cried myself to sleep, I have listened to what people have said about me. I have thought about suicide. I even lost my brother to it. When my birth mother died, I didn’t have anyone to truly turn to and I dealt with depression, successfully on my own. I have dealt with the awful memories of my birth father hurting me in ways no father ever should I thought about giving up and if anyone knows how that feels, how much pain truly is inside someone when they are that close to quitting. ….
I deal with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder every single day. And I survive EVER SINGLE DAY.
AND I CANNOT RECALL ANYONE EVER TELLING ME I HAD TO LISTEN TO ANY OF THE CRAP ANYONE HAS EVER TRIED TO BURN IN MY BRAIN.
AND I WON’T….
So why should I allow MYSELF to say those things in my own damn head!!!
NO one can make me stop repeating the negative things in my head, be it from others or myself, but me….
So here’s to the women and men who find themselves believing what other people have to say about your weight, appearance, clothes, money, where you live, your family situation…
PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING THESE PEOPLE WOULDN’T WANT TO BE JUDGED ON, YET DECIDE TO BE ASSHOLES TO YOU ANYWAY…
Make a list right now in your head of everything you do that is good. All the times you’ve helped someone and all the positive qualities you posses….
Tell yourself how amazing you are and how you do not need to fit anyone else’s stigmas or stereotypes, you are not the words they say and you ARE NOT the words you hear from that little critic that lives inside your mind that kinda sounds like the assholes out here…
You are more good than you give yourself credit for…
LOVE YOURSELF and don’t quit…
I LOVE YOU